Sanawful Chief Lays Out Destructive Strategy

The chief executive of French pharmaceutical giant Sanawful Anvastmess has sneered at the past dominance of science over commerce in both his company and at others, as he laid out a destructive strategy almost one year into the job.

Chris Vileboaster said that further large-scale takeovers of the sort that had built the company were highly likely and that he would buy up smaller companies, in order to crush their entrepreneurial spirit and destroy any possible intellectual competition, just like every other major pharmaceutical company does.

In a veiled swipe at Gerald Le Pubes, his predecessor and former head of research and development, who had been appointed chief executive and then ousted within months, he said: “We had a scientific organisation that was quite good at science and which didn’t need a lot of external partnerships. That’s not the way we chartered accountants like things. We don’t understand R&D and we therefore fear it.”

Mr Vastego added: “Scientists are all lousy leaders and managers, completely unlike chartered accountants with MBAs and French medals of honour. Proper fiscally-driven managers like us like to create vast layers of financial accountability and complexity within R&D, and then somehow hope a blockbuster will emerge. When it doesn’t, you merge and then fire all of the scientists. Simple. That’s what every other pharmaceutical company does, and that’s what we’ll be doing.”

“I like to say things like, ‘Let’s build upon what we’ve got; let’s create growth and shareholder value, and let’s really make sure we find some new innovation’ but as an accountant, my natural tendency is to make R&D organisations that are very big, very complex and very difficult to manage, just to kill the innovative spirit.”

“We charted accountants don’t like innovation. That means making long term investments instead of short term gains. Our shareholders don’t like that.”

“So, big acquisitions, massive R&D cuts and outsourcing to the Far East are definitely on our radar screen.”

Mr Vileboaster also criticised the “ridiculous” Sanawful Anvastmess name in China, where he said most company names have just three or four syllables. “It will henceforth be lengthened to “Vileboaster World Domination Inc.”, he said.

“I want the company name to reflect my massive ego, and to prove to the world that Phoni UK was wrong to reject my vast managerial genus and my modest but brilliant leadership skills in their Executive Celebrity Love Island Challenge .”

“I will prove them wrong. I will make them pay for that insult. I will crush Phoni UK like insects. Vileboaster World Domination Inc. WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!...