Phoni Priapic Lite

Phoni has suffered through a rash of lousy legal news recently but there’s one area — Priapic litigation — where everything is going the company’s way. It’s even forcing a rethink on the quality of published research that suggests that Phoni’s cut down formulation of Priapic for those partial to a periodic Jodrell – Priapic Lite- can cause blindness.

A recent ruling by a judge in Dry Prong, Louisiana, is a rare case of product liability litigation actually helping a company. In this case, Phoni discovered that a study of Priapic Lite that showed the drug triggered eye abnormalities in its users was riddled with errors.

Phoni launched the special formulation of Priapic®™, Phoni’s treatment for male erectile dysfunction, back in 2003. Called Priapic Lite®™, the treatment was widely acccredited with winning George Bush a second term.

As early as 1999 and 2003, there were reports that many Priapic Lite users suffered from impaired vision, watching Fox News, listening to Rush Limburgh and even voting Republican. Thirty percent of Priapic Lite users also experienced hairy palms, pains in the arms and mental impairment, according to Dr. Thaddeus Pyle.

The plaintiffs in the case wanted to use Dr. Pyle as an expert witness. He was the author of a study titled “Onanism and Blindness –a Punishment From God” in February 1856, which found that men with a history of “strangling the ferret” had a statistically significant increased risk of suffering from eye damage and other harmful side-effects, Dr. Pyle alleged.

Normally, when plaintiffs sue drug companies, the discovery process turns up a bunch of embarrassing internal documents and emails. This time, the embarrassment occurred on the plaintiffs’ side. Phoni found that in fact, Dr. Pyle had made his entire study up.

For those reasons, Phoni successful persuaded the judge to remove Dr Pyle, the plaintiffs’ only remaining expert witness, from the case. The judge wrote:

“… the notion that “bashing your Bishop” can cause the effects alleged by the plaintiffs is clearly ludicrous. Now where are my glasses, dammit?…”

Wayne Kerr, Phoni’s Global Director of OTC Marketing, was delighted with the news. “It’s outrageous that anyone can fabricate clinical trials evidence in studies on our drugs and just publish it,“ he said. “That’s our job.”

“We feel that this product has always satisfied an otherwise unmet clinical need,” Kerr continued. “Many “punishers of the Purple-Headed Custard Chucker” welcome a little help with their harmless pastime, and we think that wire-twangers everywhere will welcome this verdict. Indeed, Phoni middle management is particularly relieved as the product has been widely used amongst them for a considerable time.”

Mr. Kerr sounded a word of caution, however. “We would advise anyone intending to vote in the UK General election that use of Priapic Lite has been associated with voting Labour,” he said.