So I have been-a da Big Cheese of da Pfizer family for da last four or five years or so. Da Pfizer Family issa one-a big a-happy Family, and issa also a Family dat a-makes a lotta money for me anna da boys an’ girls.
Like-a all da big Families, da Pfizer Family has a-values. One of da big a-values we have is a-Respect for People. We are verra big onna Respect for People. So when I pick uppa da newspaper an see dat dere seems to be dis guy who is a costin’ da Family a whole lotta bread, I am notta so happy, you see? Zis guy is not showin’ a-Respect, I am a-thinkin’ to myself, an’ guys who do not show a-Respect, well, dey are verra soon gonna get “Adapted To Scale” if you know what I am a-sayin’.
So I pick uppa da phone an’ I ringa ma lawyer, Amy. Me anna Amy go a-way back, she is like a sister to me.
“Amy,” I say, “Don Kindlero here. Now tella me, Amy, who issa dis guy Rico and why has he justa costa me $142 million?”
“Don Kindlero,” Amy says to me, “issa good to hear a-from you. I love you like-a my own a-father…”
“Amy, Amy,” I say to her, “cutta da Family crapola and tell me about-a dis Rico, won’t you?”
And Amy says to me, “Don Kindlero, I think you misunderstand…”
“Amy, what is there not to understand?” I say to her. “$142 million, I understand verra well. Why do you not show me no a-Respect, Amy? Maybe I should have you Adapted To Scale or something, perhaps? Please, show me some a-Respect…”
“Don Kindlero, this Rico, he is not a man,” says Amy, “RICO is the legal shmegal for the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act. You remember? Neurontin?”
It was then I remembered da Family history. Papa Steere and the Lipitor heist. $400 million fines for off-label marketing. The Warner-Lambert Family was gunned down years ago, but still the off-label marketing scams still live on even today.
“Amy, why do you not tella me dese tings?” I say to her. “I am a-thinkin’ that maybe Rico was another whistleblower we have to make-a life hard for, now you are telling me RICO issa just another corporate malfeasance fine we a-have to pay? For racketeering? Racketeering? You make us sound like a two-bit Sicilian mob instead of the biggest corporate criminals in the US, Amy.”
“I am ashamed, Don Kindlero,” says Amy. “$142 million is peanuts compared to the $2.3 billion we went down for the Bextra marketing scam.”
“Amy, Amy, donta remind me,” I say to her. That was a billion-dollar hangover from another Family hoist, Uncle Hank’s Pharmacia take-over. “What bum was the General Counsel who overlooked the hidden liabilities for that takeover?” I asked her.
“I think you were, Don Kindlero,” Amy says.
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