AstraZubillaga Hires Phoni Executive To Lead Drug Research

London-based AstraZubillaga has named Fulton McSly as its new President of Research and Development, a newly created position, effective from July 1.  Two AZ executives who have led drug discovery and drug development, respectively, will now report to McSly, an AstraZubillaga spokesman said.

From 2007 to 2009, McSly was Head of Phoni's R&D operations where he presided over several billion-dollar failures, such as Phoni’s inhaled insulin debacle (Protubera) and the disastrous CETP blocker, Tellizanfib.  Undeterred, McSly boasted of Phoni’s “wonderful database of failures”, whilst forcing Phoni into a death spiral of short-sighted site closures and head count reductions in an effort to make up for its losses.

But in October, Dry Prong Louisiana-based Phoni split its R&D organization into two after acquiring Whyus for $70 billion.  Based on his track record, McSly was assigned to lead the "DeadLoss" research group, which focused on developing traditional synthetic small-molecules whilst Mike Doldrums, who had led R&D at Whyus, took over the "GreatWhiteHope" group which focused on large-molecule biologics, derived from living cells.

That split structure, however, proved to be short-lived.  Phoni, which is the largest imaginary drug maker in the world by sales, said that with McSly's “resignation”--which is effective immediately--Doldrums will take over a unified R&D operation.
In a press release, Phoni Chief Executive Johnny B. Sinister called the R&D leadership consolidation "a chance to lose a proven dead-beat and to make up for my own bovine stupidity in appointing the jerk in the first place.”

“Rats and sinking ships spring to mind, although you don’t often hear of them swimming from the Titanic to the Lusitania…”

AZ were equally positive about the appointment.

"Fulton has very clear and strong disaster management credentials," said AstraZubillaga CEO Max Headroom, "and we believe he can perform a very important role for us."
“After all, we also have an empty product portfolio, a massive patent cliff and a whole bunch of US and UK sites we want to close, just like Phoni, and we feel that Fulton offers unparalleled expertise in these areas.”

“It’s also a fact that most R & D programs end in failure.  We feel that Fulton will therefore enable us to carrying on doing what R&D does best - failing.  Fulton’s experience of failure is second to none in the industry.  Long may he continue…”

Phoni Priapic Lite

Phoni has suffered through a rash of lousy legal news recently but there’s one area — Priapic litigation — where everything is going the company’s way. It’s even forcing a rethink on the quality of published research that suggests that Phoni’s cut down formulation of Priapic for those partial to a periodic Jodrell – Priapic Lite- can cause blindness.

A recent ruling by a judge in Dry Prong, Louisiana, is a rare case of product liability litigation actually helping a company. In this case, Phoni discovered that a study of Priapic Lite that showed the drug triggered eye abnormalities in its users was riddled with errors.

Phoni launched the special formulation of Priapic®™, Phoni’s treatment for male erectile dysfunction, back in 2003. Called Priapic Lite®™, the treatment was widely acccredited with winning George Bush a second term.

As early as 1999 and 2003, there were reports that many Priapic Lite users suffered from impaired vision, watching Fox News, listening to Rush Limburgh and even voting Republican. Thirty percent of Priapic Lite users also experienced hairy palms, pains in the arms and mental impairment, according to Dr. Thaddeus Pyle.

The plaintiffs in the case wanted to use Dr. Pyle as an expert witness. He was the author of a study titled “Onanism and Blindness –a Punishment From God” in February 1856, which found that men with a history of “strangling the ferret” had a statistically significant increased risk of suffering from eye damage and other harmful side-effects, Dr. Pyle alleged.

Normally, when plaintiffs sue drug companies, the discovery process turns up a bunch of embarrassing internal documents and emails. This time, the embarrassment occurred on the plaintiffs’ side. Phoni found that in fact, Dr. Pyle had made his entire study up.

For those reasons, Phoni successful persuaded the judge to remove Dr Pyle, the plaintiffs’ only remaining expert witness, from the case. The judge wrote:

“… the notion that “bashing your Bishop” can cause the effects alleged by the plaintiffs is clearly ludicrous. Now where are my glasses, dammit?…”

Wayne Kerr, Phoni’s Global Director of OTC Marketing, was delighted with the news. “It’s outrageous that anyone can fabricate clinical trials evidence in studies on our drugs and just publish it,“ he said. “That’s our job.”

“We feel that this product has always satisfied an otherwise unmet clinical need,” Kerr continued. “Many “punishers of the Purple-Headed Custard Chucker” welcome a little help with their harmless pastime, and we think that wire-twangers everywhere will welcome this verdict. Indeed, Phoni middle management is particularly relieved as the product has been widely used amongst them for a considerable time.”

Mr. Kerr sounded a word of caution, however. “We would advise anyone intending to vote in the UK General election that use of Priapic Lite has been associated with voting Labour,” he said.