New Secret Worldwide Professional Organization
Thomas Tossall, a Professor of Medicine at Dry Prong, Louisiana, Medical School, is spearheading a new secret worldwide professional organization. According to Tossall’s preliminary description, it is “to be a forum for senior university staff engaged in surreptitiously taking large amounts of pharmaceutical company money in exchange for puffing pharma products, and who are ready to oppose the small but well organized and well-informed coterie responsible for blowing the whistle on us.”
The Forum for University Corporate Kickbacks in Education as Determined by University Professors (FUCKEDUP), slated to hold its charter conference this month, will be led by a steering committee consisting of physicians from Dry Prong Medical School, the State University of Louisiana and the Catsup Clinic. It will be logistically managed by Crookpointe, a science-based medical communications company that produces “continuing medical educational programs” for doctors to encourage off-label marketing of drugs, and as such is completely sponsored by pharmaceutical companies.
So far, funding for FUCKEDUP has been covered completely out of pocket, though Tossall said he fully anticipates extensive industry participation and funding. The tentative schedule for July’s meeting includes more than two dozen speakers – doctors, industry representatives, health and patient association officials -- and topics range from policy corruption to the establishing the value of collaboration between medicine and industry (for which, of course, Tossall hopes to push as high as he can).
According to Tossall, the perceived risks of physician-industry relationships are too often demonized instead of assessed for value. “The damages are imaginary or speculative,” he claims, dismissing public disquiet at pharmaceutical company payments to supposedly independent scientists as being due to a “crescendo” of anti-business sentiment in science and medicine. “Now that guys like Nemeroff and Biederman have been outed, no one else wants to get caught with their fingers in the till by The New York Times or Senator Grassley”, he says.
For Tossall, the more minor bribes for doctors’ acceptance, for example, of pens and meals -- the “low-hanging fruit” -- is where the corruption trend started, but has grown egregiously in a way that is “highly profitable” to physicians and industry alike.
“The pens, the meals, who’s going to fall on their sword for that?” he said. “What we want is large amounts of cash in plain brown envelopes, and now.”
“Rest assured, we at FUCKEDUP will be doing our utmost to discredit and smear our critics whilst ensuring that the backhanders still continue to roll in for us,” Tossall states, “just like every other pharmaceutical industry funded forum…”
The Forum for University Corporate Kickbacks in Education as Determined by University Professors (FUCKEDUP), slated to hold its charter conference this month, will be led by a steering committee consisting of physicians from Dry Prong Medical School, the State University of Louisiana and the Catsup Clinic. It will be logistically managed by Crookpointe, a science-based medical communications company that produces “continuing medical educational programs” for doctors to encourage off-label marketing of drugs, and as such is completely sponsored by pharmaceutical companies.
So far, funding for FUCKEDUP has been covered completely out of pocket, though Tossall said he fully anticipates extensive industry participation and funding. The tentative schedule for July’s meeting includes more than two dozen speakers – doctors, industry representatives, health and patient association officials -- and topics range from policy corruption to the establishing the value of collaboration between medicine and industry (for which, of course, Tossall hopes to push as high as he can).
According to Tossall, the perceived risks of physician-industry relationships are too often demonized instead of assessed for value. “The damages are imaginary or speculative,” he claims, dismissing public disquiet at pharmaceutical company payments to supposedly independent scientists as being due to a “crescendo” of anti-business sentiment in science and medicine. “Now that guys like Nemeroff and Biederman have been outed, no one else wants to get caught with their fingers in the till by The New York Times or Senator Grassley”, he says.
For Tossall, the more minor bribes for doctors’ acceptance, for example, of pens and meals -- the “low-hanging fruit” -- is where the corruption trend started, but has grown egregiously in a way that is “highly profitable” to physicians and industry alike.
“The pens, the meals, who’s going to fall on their sword for that?” he said. “What we want is large amounts of cash in plain brown envelopes, and now.”
“Rest assured, we at FUCKEDUP will be doing our utmost to discredit and smear our critics whilst ensuring that the backhanders still continue to roll in for us,” Tossall states, “just like every other pharmaceutical industry funded forum…”
Phoni Eternal Life
Phoni told the WSJ that it did not know about a study published last week in Nature that claims the life expectancy of mice was increased 9 - 14 percent if they took Heapamunee, a drug Phoni markets to suppress the immune system so that organ transplants won’t be rejected.
A Phoni spokesman called it an “interesting preclinical study” and said that the company had only just become aware of the findings.
“Phoni have only just acquired Heapamunee as a result of our hostile takeover of Whyus,” said Phoni’s President of Global Marketing, Rich Pillager, “and so we’re still working out just what assets we need to strip out of the company before we shut it down. However, following the Nature study, our marketing team is already up to speed on the case,”
“We’re already getting the CME packs together on the back of the Nature report,” Pillager says. “After all, we made hundreds of millions of dollars out of illegally selling another merged-in product, the human growth hormone Gotnohopein, to anti-aging quacks before we got caught. Sure, we got fined $30m, but we were still way in profit on the scam, and so we hope to cash in on Heapamunee while the window of opportunity is still open.”
Pillager is also excited about the prospect of product co-marketing.
“A recent study into long-term users of our pain-killer Viletoxx found no-one who appeared to be over the age of sixty,” he said. “We’re hoping that a combination therapy with Heapamunee, combined with carefully-worded advertising, will enable us to put a positive spin on that finding and allow us to offset the life-shortening effects of one drug with the apparent life-extending effects of another.”
“Failing any of that, at least our Animal Health business should be able to cash in on Heapamunee sales to owners of pet mice,” Pillager notes. “At least, until we sell that division off…”
The study published last week in Nature has also aroused interest from other quarters.
“It’s time to break out of our denial about aging,” said Aubrey de Nutcase, a British fringe medical practitioner and loony, who has attracted widespread derision for his suggestions on how to forestall death.
“Dying is unequivocally the major cause of death in the industrialized world and a perfectly legitimate target of medical intervention,” foamed de Nutcase. “We have reason to believe that avoiding the medical condition known as death will be a major step forward in living longer, and I welcome further research into this concept. And into flying saucers as well...”
A Phoni spokesman called it an “interesting preclinical study” and said that the company had only just become aware of the findings.
“Phoni have only just acquired Heapamunee as a result of our hostile takeover of Whyus,” said Phoni’s President of Global Marketing, Rich Pillager, “and so we’re still working out just what assets we need to strip out of the company before we shut it down. However, following the Nature study, our marketing team is already up to speed on the case,”
“We’re already getting the CME packs together on the back of the Nature report,” Pillager says. “After all, we made hundreds of millions of dollars out of illegally selling another merged-in product, the human growth hormone Gotnohopein, to anti-aging quacks before we got caught. Sure, we got fined $30m, but we were still way in profit on the scam, and so we hope to cash in on Heapamunee while the window of opportunity is still open.”
Pillager is also excited about the prospect of product co-marketing.
“A recent study into long-term users of our pain-killer Viletoxx found no-one who appeared to be over the age of sixty,” he said. “We’re hoping that a combination therapy with Heapamunee, combined with carefully-worded advertising, will enable us to put a positive spin on that finding and allow us to offset the life-shortening effects of one drug with the apparent life-extending effects of another.”
“Failing any of that, at least our Animal Health business should be able to cash in on Heapamunee sales to owners of pet mice,” Pillager notes. “At least, until we sell that division off…”
The study published last week in Nature has also aroused interest from other quarters.
“It’s time to break out of our denial about aging,” said Aubrey de Nutcase, a British fringe medical practitioner and loony, who has attracted widespread derision for his suggestions on how to forestall death.
“Dying is unequivocally the major cause of death in the industrialized world and a perfectly legitimate target of medical intervention,” foamed de Nutcase. “We have reason to believe that avoiding the medical condition known as death will be a major step forward in living longer, and I welcome further research into this concept. And into flying saucers as well...”
Phoni threatens to quit UK
Pharmaceutical giant Phoni has threatened to pull out of Britain and relocate thousands of jobs abroad, in an ongoing row over pricing for the NHS and rules surrounding safety trials.
The US-based drug company made its threat known in personal meetings with a government minister, according to Whitehall documents seen by the Groanian.
The ministers, including business secretary Lord Mandelsperson and Health Minister Mike O’Braindead, have in recent months been conducting a vigorous charm offensive to prevent the multinational drug company leaving Britain.
“I have charm, whilst my Right Honourable colleague is offensive,” the oleaginous Business Secretary erroneously quipped.
Phoni employs over 5,000 people in Britain at its UK research and development site at Nether Wallop. The visits have been organised to patch up a relationship strained by ministers' efforts to force the firms to cut the prices of the drugs they sell to the NHS, according to the documents.
“We see little point in continuing to invest in a country that doesn’t allow us to make huge profits by price-gouging or by off-label marketing,” stated Dr. Brigitte Ghastly OBE, the site head of Phoni UK’s sprawling R&D complex.
“And this ridiculous insistence upon clinical trials safety in the UK is just too expensive and bureaucratic,” Dr. Ghastly claimed. “We want to be able to make stuff up, just like we do in the US.”
Dr Ghastly added that "certain investment incentives" were required to help Phoni UK decide upon its continued presence in the UK.
“And if those big corporate tax breaks and clandestine bribes to our senior executives aren’t forthcoming pretty soon, then it’s ‘goodbye UK’ and ‘hello India and China’, just like we plan to do anyway…”
The US-based drug company made its threat known in personal meetings with a government minister, according to Whitehall documents seen by the Groanian.
The ministers, including business secretary Lord Mandelsperson and Health Minister Mike O’Braindead, have in recent months been conducting a vigorous charm offensive to prevent the multinational drug company leaving Britain.
“I have charm, whilst my Right Honourable colleague is offensive,” the oleaginous Business Secretary erroneously quipped.
Phoni employs over 5,000 people in Britain at its UK research and development site at Nether Wallop. The visits have been organised to patch up a relationship strained by ministers' efforts to force the firms to cut the prices of the drugs they sell to the NHS, according to the documents.
“We see little point in continuing to invest in a country that doesn’t allow us to make huge profits by price-gouging or by off-label marketing,” stated Dr. Brigitte Ghastly OBE, the site head of Phoni UK’s sprawling R&D complex.
“And this ridiculous insistence upon clinical trials safety in the UK is just too expensive and bureaucratic,” Dr. Ghastly claimed. “We want to be able to make stuff up, just like we do in the US.”
Dr Ghastly added that "certain investment incentives" were required to help Phoni UK decide upon its continued presence in the UK.
“And if those big corporate tax breaks and clandestine bribes to our senior executives aren’t forthcoming pretty soon, then it’s ‘goodbye UK’ and ‘hello India and China’, just like we plan to do anyway…”
The Temptation of St. Witty
- And so
St. Witty was taken unto a high place, yea unto the very top of the glass
and steel tower known as GSK Headquarters.
- There
didst the Dark Lords of GSK lay before him all manner of obscene benefits
packages, lewd share options, and yea even licentious pension
enhancements.
- And
sorely tempted was St. Witty, yet he did resist such blandishments.
- For he
didst remember how his predecessor, St. Garnier The Unrepentant, was
scorned for his wickedness and greed, and was rejected by his
stockholders, and yea even was sorely tried by the Media.
- And
long after did St. Garnier contemplate his foolishness in demanding a
US-style remuneration package, and in rejecting the teachings of Mother
Theresa.
- By
this folly did St. Witty recall the lessons of his forefathers, and did
thence reject all that was base and vile. Instead did he choose the path
of righteousness, remembering indeed the misery of those cast into poverty
by the Dark Lords of GSK, and the terrible financial climate of the times.
- But
then the skies darkened, and lo did the Shadow of Kindler, the Darkest
Lord of all Pharmaceutical CEOs, fall upon St. Witty.
- And wrath was Kindler, and St. Witty didst waver before his visage. For Kindler didst sorely tempt St. Witty with tales of his own 12.5% pay rise, and of his luxury company jet, and yea even of share options and pension terms beyond the dreams of avarice.
- Yet
still didst St. Witty resist, for he feared the wrath of the Media, and
the bitter scorn of the Shareholders.
- ”For
it is not wrong that I should be richly rewarded when so many have
suffered as a result my deeds?” did St. Witty rightly proclaim. “And will
not the Media rise in righteous indignation, and compare my greed even
undo that of Banking Executives, as indeed happened to you, O Evil One?”
- But
Kindler didst just laugh. Then did St. Witty recall that he had long since
appointed Brother James of Murdoch, Son of the Mighty Rupert, as one of
his Dark Lords on the GSK Board of Directors.
- And
very powerful was the House of Murdoch, for it didst control what tales
the Media did tell unto the people, what truths are revealed and what dark
secrets are to be buried for evermore, in accordance with the wishes of
the Mighty Rupert.
- Thus
did it dawn on St. Witty that he no longer need fear the wrath of the
Media. And thence did He say unto his Board of Directors, “a 76% pay rise
will do very nicely, thank you.”
- And so
it came to pass that St. Witty didst indeed receive his thumping great 76%
pay rise, and all manner of incentives and inducements beyond the dreams
of avarice.
- And on
such greed were silent were the newspapers, and the Internet, and the
Blogs, and yea even Twitter. For as St. Witty knew, the reach of his
friend Brother James and his Mighty Father was indeed long.
- So
thus did St, Witty descend from his High Place, and lo didst place his
snout firmly in the trough.
- And thanks to his friend Brother James, St. Witty came to be held in even greater esteem…
Don Kindlero - The Drugfather
So I have been-a da Big Cheese of da Pfizer family for da last four or five years or so. Da Pfizer Family issa one-a big a-happy Family, and issa also a Family dat a-makes a lotta money for me anna da boys an’ girls.
Like-a all da big Families, da Pfizer Family has a-values. One of da big a-values we have is a-Respect for People. We are verra big onna Respect for People. So when I pick uppa da newspaper an see dat dere seems to be dis guy who is a costin’ da Family a whole lotta bread, I am notta so happy, you see? Zis guy is not showin’ a-Respect, I am a-thinkin’ to myself, an’ guys who do not show a-Respect, well, dey are verra soon gonna get “Adapted To Scale” if you know what I am a-sayin’.
So I pick uppa da phone an’ I ringa ma lawyer, Amy. Me anna Amy go a-way back, she is like a sister to me.
“Amy,” I say, “Don Kindlero here. Now tella me, Amy, who issa dis guy Rico and why has he justa costa me $142 million?”
“Don Kindlero,” Amy says to me, “issa good to hear a-from you. I love you like-a my own a-father…”
“Amy, Amy,” I say to her, “cutta da Family crapola and tell me about-a dis Rico, won’t you?”
And Amy says to me, “Don Kindlero, I think you misunderstand…”
“Amy, what is there not to understand?” I say to her. “$142 million, I understand verra well. Why do you not show me no a-Respect, Amy? Maybe I should have you Adapted To Scale or something, perhaps? Please, show me some a-Respect…”
“Don Kindlero, this Rico, he is not a man,” says Amy, “RICO is the legal shmegal for the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act. You remember? Neurontin?”
It was then I remembered da Family history. Papa Steere and the Lipitor heist. $400 million fines for off-label marketing. The Warner-Lambert Family was gunned down years ago, but still the off-label marketing scams still live on even today.
“Amy, why do you not tella me dese tings?” I say to her. “I am a-thinkin’ that maybe Rico was another whistleblower we have to make-a life hard for, now you are telling me RICO issa just another corporate malfeasance fine we a-have to pay? For racketeering? Racketeering? You make us sound like a two-bit Sicilian mob instead of the biggest corporate criminals in the US, Amy.”
“I am ashamed, Don Kindlero,” says Amy. “$142 million is peanuts compared to the $2.3 billion we went down for the Bextra marketing scam.”
“Amy, Amy, donta remind me,” I say to her. That was a billion-dollar hangover from another Family hoist, Uncle Hank’s Pharmacia take-over. “What bum was the General Counsel who overlooked the hidden liabilities for that takeover?” I asked her.
“I think you were, Don Kindlero,” Amy says.
Like-a all da big Families, da Pfizer Family has a-values. One of da big a-values we have is a-Respect for People. We are verra big onna Respect for People. So when I pick uppa da newspaper an see dat dere seems to be dis guy who is a costin’ da Family a whole lotta bread, I am notta so happy, you see? Zis guy is not showin’ a-Respect, I am a-thinkin’ to myself, an’ guys who do not show a-Respect, well, dey are verra soon gonna get “Adapted To Scale” if you know what I am a-sayin’.
So I pick uppa da phone an’ I ringa ma lawyer, Amy. Me anna Amy go a-way back, she is like a sister to me.
“Amy,” I say, “Don Kindlero here. Now tella me, Amy, who issa dis guy Rico and why has he justa costa me $142 million?”
“Don Kindlero,” Amy says to me, “issa good to hear a-from you. I love you like-a my own a-father…”
“Amy, Amy,” I say to her, “cutta da Family crapola and tell me about-a dis Rico, won’t you?”
And Amy says to me, “Don Kindlero, I think you misunderstand…”
“Amy, what is there not to understand?” I say to her. “$142 million, I understand verra well. Why do you not show me no a-Respect, Amy? Maybe I should have you Adapted To Scale or something, perhaps? Please, show me some a-Respect…”
“Don Kindlero, this Rico, he is not a man,” says Amy, “RICO is the legal shmegal for the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act. You remember? Neurontin?”
It was then I remembered da Family history. Papa Steere and the Lipitor heist. $400 million fines for off-label marketing. The Warner-Lambert Family was gunned down years ago, but still the off-label marketing scams still live on even today.
“Amy, why do you not tella me dese tings?” I say to her. “I am a-thinkin’ that maybe Rico was another whistleblower we have to make-a life hard for, now you are telling me RICO issa just another corporate malfeasance fine we a-have to pay? For racketeering? Racketeering? You make us sound like a two-bit Sicilian mob instead of the biggest corporate criminals in the US, Amy.”
“I am ashamed, Don Kindlero,” says Amy. “$142 million is peanuts compared to the $2.3 billion we went down for the Bextra marketing scam.”
“Amy, Amy, donta remind me,” I say to her. That was a billion-dollar hangover from another Family hoist, Uncle Hank’s Pharmacia take-over. “What bum was the General Counsel who overlooked the hidden liabilities for that takeover?” I asked her.
“I think you were, Don Kindlero,” Amy says.
Phoni Pharm boss states "the bleedin' obvious..."
Johnny B. Sinister, the American-born boss of global pharmaceutical giant Phoni Pharm. Inc., told the CBI conference that it is not just bankers who need to reform. He said: "If we fail to change things will not be pretty. And if you think you're exempt, you're wrong.”
Mr. Sinister, whose company recently paid a $1.8bn (£1.1bn) fine to the US government in September for misleading sales advice on one of its drugs, said, "People have had enough and the backlash is real."
“The public is tired of huge global companies like us regarding massive corporate malfeasance fines as a cost of business, and then just carrying breaking the law,” he said.
“They’re also tired of our price gouging. They’ve had enough of our lying about and hiding clinical data, just so we can get drugs of dubious benefit onto the market. They’ve had enough of us buying doctors and politicians to maintain the status quo and crush any chance of healthcare reform. They’ve had enough of executives like me, who are paid seven figure salaries for selling off the first world’s intellectual silverware to the Far East for the short term financial gain of themselves and their backers. And they’re fed up with the massive lay-offs and the resultant social costs that these off-shoring strategies and “slash and burn” mergers and takeovers are causing.”
“But we don’t really care”, Sinister admitted. “The public also knows that we’ll just carry on doing whatever we want anyway, because we are too big to be allowed to fail or to be stopped.”
The next speaker emphasized that the banking world agreed with Mr. Sinister’s perception of public antipathy.
“Greed is good,” said RBS’s Gordon Gecko (no relation), to a cheering audience, as he trousered a $100 million dollar bonus paid for out of public bail-out money...
Mr. Sinister, whose company recently paid a $1.8bn (£1.1bn) fine to the US government in September for misleading sales advice on one of its drugs, said, "People have had enough and the backlash is real."
“The public is tired of huge global companies like us regarding massive corporate malfeasance fines as a cost of business, and then just carrying breaking the law,” he said.
“They’re also tired of our price gouging. They’ve had enough of our lying about and hiding clinical data, just so we can get drugs of dubious benefit onto the market. They’ve had enough of us buying doctors and politicians to maintain the status quo and crush any chance of healthcare reform. They’ve had enough of executives like me, who are paid seven figure salaries for selling off the first world’s intellectual silverware to the Far East for the short term financial gain of themselves and their backers. And they’re fed up with the massive lay-offs and the resultant social costs that these off-shoring strategies and “slash and burn” mergers and takeovers are causing.”
“But we don’t really care”, Sinister admitted. “The public also knows that we’ll just carry on doing whatever we want anyway, because we are too big to be allowed to fail or to be stopped.”
The next speaker emphasized that the banking world agreed with Mr. Sinister’s perception of public antipathy.
“Greed is good,” said RBS’s Gordon Gecko (no relation), to a cheering audience, as he trousered a $100 million dollar bonus paid for out of public bail-out money...
Sanawful Chief Lays Out Destructive Strategy
The chief executive of French pharmaceutical giant Sanawful Anvastmess has sneered at the past dominance of science over commerce in both his company and at others, as he laid out a destructive strategy almost one year into the job.
Chris Vileboaster said that further large-scale takeovers of the sort that had built the company were highly likely and that he would buy up smaller companies, in order to crush their entrepreneurial spirit and destroy any possible intellectual competition, just like every other major pharmaceutical company does.
In a veiled swipe at Gerald Le Pubes, his predecessor and former head of research and development, who had been appointed chief executive and then ousted within months, he said: “We had a scientific organisation that was quite good at science and which didn’t need a lot of external partnerships. That’s not the way we chartered accountants like things. We don’t understand R&D and we therefore fear it.”
Mr Vastego added: “Scientists are all lousy leaders and managers, completely unlike chartered accountants with MBAs and French medals of honour. Proper fiscally-driven managers like us like to create vast layers of financial accountability and complexity within R&D, and then somehow hope a blockbuster will emerge. When it doesn’t, you merge and then fire all of the scientists. Simple. That’s what every other pharmaceutical company does, and that’s what we’ll be doing.”
“I like to say things like, ‘Let’s build upon what we’ve got; let’s create growth and shareholder value, and let’s really make sure we find some new innovation’ but as an accountant, my natural tendency is to make R&D organisations that are very big, very complex and very difficult to manage, just to kill the innovative spirit.”
“We charted accountants don’t like innovation. That means making long term investments instead of short term gains. Our shareholders don’t like that.”
“So, big acquisitions, massive R&D cuts and outsourcing to the Far East are definitely on our radar screen.”
Mr Vileboaster also criticised the “ridiculous” Sanawful Anvastmess name in China, where he said most company names have just three or four syllables. “It will henceforth be lengthened to “Vileboaster World Domination Inc.”, he said.
“I want the company name to reflect my massive ego, and to prove to the world that Phoni UK was wrong to reject my vast managerial genus and my modest but brilliant leadership skills in their Executive Celebrity Love Island Challenge .”
“I will prove them wrong. I will make them pay for that insult. I will crush Phoni UK like insects. Vileboaster World Domination Inc. WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!...
Chris Vileboaster said that further large-scale takeovers of the sort that had built the company were highly likely and that he would buy up smaller companies, in order to crush their entrepreneurial spirit and destroy any possible intellectual competition, just like every other major pharmaceutical company does.
In a veiled swipe at Gerald Le Pubes, his predecessor and former head of research and development, who had been appointed chief executive and then ousted within months, he said: “We had a scientific organisation that was quite good at science and which didn’t need a lot of external partnerships. That’s not the way we chartered accountants like things. We don’t understand R&D and we therefore fear it.”
Mr Vastego added: “Scientists are all lousy leaders and managers, completely unlike chartered accountants with MBAs and French medals of honour. Proper fiscally-driven managers like us like to create vast layers of financial accountability and complexity within R&D, and then somehow hope a blockbuster will emerge. When it doesn’t, you merge and then fire all of the scientists. Simple. That’s what every other pharmaceutical company does, and that’s what we’ll be doing.”
“I like to say things like, ‘Let’s build upon what we’ve got; let’s create growth and shareholder value, and let’s really make sure we find some new innovation’ but as an accountant, my natural tendency is to make R&D organisations that are very big, very complex and very difficult to manage, just to kill the innovative spirit.”
“We charted accountants don’t like innovation. That means making long term investments instead of short term gains. Our shareholders don’t like that.”
“So, big acquisitions, massive R&D cuts and outsourcing to the Far East are definitely on our radar screen.”
Mr Vileboaster also criticised the “ridiculous” Sanawful Anvastmess name in China, where he said most company names have just three or four syllables. “It will henceforth be lengthened to “Vileboaster World Domination Inc.”, he said.
“I want the company name to reflect my massive ego, and to prove to the world that Phoni UK was wrong to reject my vast managerial genus and my modest but brilliant leadership skills in their Executive Celebrity Love Island Challenge .”
“I will prove them wrong. I will make them pay for that insult. I will crush Phoni UK like insects. Vileboaster World Domination Inc. WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!...
AstraZubillaga Hires Phoni Executive To Lead Drug Research
London-based AstraZubillaga has named Fulton McSly as its new President of Research and Development, a newly created position, effective from July 1. Two AZ executives who have led drug discovery and drug development, respectively, will now report to McSly, an AstraZubillaga spokesman said.
From 2007 to 2009, McSly was Head of Phoni's R&D operations where he presided over several billion-dollar failures, such as Phoni’s inhaled insulin debacle (Protubera) and the disastrous CETP blocker, Tellizanfib. Undeterred, McSly boasted of Phoni’s “wonderful database of failures”, whilst forcing Phoni into a death spiral of short-sighted site closures and head count reductions in an effort to make up for its losses.
But in October, Dry Prong Louisiana-based Phoni split its R&D organization into two after acquiring Whyus for $70 billion. Based on his track record, McSly was assigned to lead the "DeadLoss" research group, which focused on developing traditional synthetic small-molecules whilst Mike Doldrums, who had led R&D at Whyus, took over the "GreatWhiteHope" group which focused on large-molecule biologics, derived from living cells.
That split structure, however, proved to be short-lived. Phoni, which is the largest imaginary drug maker in the world by sales, said that with McSly's “resignation”--which is effective immediately--Doldrums will take over a unified R&D operation.
In a press release, Phoni Chief Executive Johnny B. Sinister called the R&D leadership consolidation "a chance to lose a proven dead-beat and to make up for my own bovine stupidity in appointing the jerk in the first place.”
“Rats and sinking ships spring to mind, although you don’t often hear of them swimming from the Titanic to the Lusitania…”
AZ were equally positive about the appointment.
"Fulton has very clear and strong disaster management credentials," said AstraZubillaga CEO Max Headroom, "and we believe he can perform a very important role for us."
“After all, we also have an empty product portfolio, a massive patent cliff and a whole bunch of US and UK sites we want to close, just like Phoni, and we feel that Fulton offers unparalleled expertise in these areas.”
“It’s also a fact that most R & D programs end in failure. We feel that Fulton will therefore enable us to carrying on doing what R&D does best - failing. Fulton’s experience of failure is second to none in the industry. Long may he continue…”
Phoni Priapic Lite
Phoni has suffered through a rash of lousy legal news recently but there’s one area — Priapic litigation — where everything is going the company’s way. It’s even forcing a rethink on the quality of published research that suggests that Phoni’s cut down formulation of Priapic for those partial to a periodic Jodrell – Priapic Lite- can cause blindness.
A recent ruling by a judge in Dry Prong, Louisiana, is a rare case of product liability litigation actually helping a company. In this case, Phoni discovered that a study of Priapic Lite that showed the drug triggered eye abnormalities in its users was riddled with errors.
Phoni launched the special formulation of Priapic®™, Phoni’s treatment for male erectile dysfunction, back in 2003. Called Priapic Lite®™, the treatment was widely acccredited with winning George Bush a second term.
As early as 1999 and 2003, there were reports that many Priapic Lite users suffered from impaired vision, watching Fox News, listening to Rush Limburgh and even voting Republican. Thirty percent of Priapic Lite users also experienced hairy palms, pains in the arms and mental impairment, according to Dr. Thaddeus Pyle.
The plaintiffs in the case wanted to use Dr. Pyle as an expert witness. He was the author of a study titled “Onanism and Blindness –a Punishment From God” in February 1856, which found that men with a history of “strangling the ferret” had a statistically significant increased risk of suffering from eye damage and other harmful side-effects, Dr. Pyle alleged.
Normally, when plaintiffs sue drug companies, the discovery process turns up a bunch of embarrassing internal documents and emails. This time, the embarrassment occurred on the plaintiffs’ side. Phoni found that in fact, Dr. Pyle had made his entire study up.
For those reasons, Phoni successful persuaded the judge to remove Dr Pyle, the plaintiffs’ only remaining expert witness, from the case. The judge wrote:
“… the notion that “bashing your Bishop” can cause the effects alleged by the plaintiffs is clearly ludicrous. Now where are my glasses, dammit?…”
Wayne Kerr, Phoni’s Global Director of OTC Marketing, was delighted with the news. “It’s outrageous that anyone can fabricate clinical trials evidence in studies on our drugs and just publish it,“ he said. “That’s our job.”
“We feel that this product has always satisfied an otherwise unmet clinical need,” Kerr continued. “Many “punishers of the Purple-Headed Custard Chucker” welcome a little help with their harmless pastime, and we think that wire-twangers everywhere will welcome this verdict. Indeed, Phoni middle management is particularly relieved as the product has been widely used amongst them for a considerable time.”
Mr. Kerr sounded a word of caution, however. “We would advise anyone intending to vote in the UK General election that use of Priapic Lite has been associated with voting Labour,” he said.
A recent ruling by a judge in Dry Prong, Louisiana, is a rare case of product liability litigation actually helping a company. In this case, Phoni discovered that a study of Priapic Lite that showed the drug triggered eye abnormalities in its users was riddled with errors.
Phoni launched the special formulation of Priapic®™, Phoni’s treatment for male erectile dysfunction, back in 2003. Called Priapic Lite®™, the treatment was widely acccredited with winning George Bush a second term.
As early as 1999 and 2003, there were reports that many Priapic Lite users suffered from impaired vision, watching Fox News, listening to Rush Limburgh and even voting Republican. Thirty percent of Priapic Lite users also experienced hairy palms, pains in the arms and mental impairment, according to Dr. Thaddeus Pyle.
The plaintiffs in the case wanted to use Dr. Pyle as an expert witness. He was the author of a study titled “Onanism and Blindness –a Punishment From God” in February 1856, which found that men with a history of “strangling the ferret” had a statistically significant increased risk of suffering from eye damage and other harmful side-effects, Dr. Pyle alleged.
Normally, when plaintiffs sue drug companies, the discovery process turns up a bunch of embarrassing internal documents and emails. This time, the embarrassment occurred on the plaintiffs’ side. Phoni found that in fact, Dr. Pyle had made his entire study up.
For those reasons, Phoni successful persuaded the judge to remove Dr Pyle, the plaintiffs’ only remaining expert witness, from the case. The judge wrote:
“… the notion that “bashing your Bishop” can cause the effects alleged by the plaintiffs is clearly ludicrous. Now where are my glasses, dammit?…”
Wayne Kerr, Phoni’s Global Director of OTC Marketing, was delighted with the news. “It’s outrageous that anyone can fabricate clinical trials evidence in studies on our drugs and just publish it,“ he said. “That’s our job.”
“We feel that this product has always satisfied an otherwise unmet clinical need,” Kerr continued. “Many “punishers of the Purple-Headed Custard Chucker” welcome a little help with their harmless pastime, and we think that wire-twangers everywhere will welcome this verdict. Indeed, Phoni middle management is particularly relieved as the product has been widely used amongst them for a considerable time.”
Mr. Kerr sounded a word of caution, however. “We would advise anyone intending to vote in the UK General election that use of Priapic Lite has been associated with voting Labour,” he said.
Can Phoni UK take its Medicine?
As Big Pharma faces its biggest shake-up in a generation, Andrew Whohe is changing the way Phoni UK operates.
Big Pharma is in big trouble. Superficially, the world's largest drug companies seem in good shape - profitability remains buoyant, and they have certainly ridden out the recession in fine style by comparison with those engaged in more volatile industries. After all, people get sick and need treatment, with scant regard for the phases of the business cycle. But beneath this healthy-looking exterior, a malignancy has been spreading through Big Pharma's body corporate.
As chief executive of the UK arm of the world’s largest imaginary pharmaceutical company, Phoni UK, Andrew Whohe knows all about malignancy. And, despite the headaches of command, he seems to be enjoying it. This morning, tanned and smiling, he has swapped dull Nether Wallop (where Phoni UK is based), for the upscale surroundings of midtown New York, to announce Phoni UK's latest efforts in the high-profile, PR-friendly battle to outsource the entire Western pharmaceutical industry to Asia.
He knows how to lead by example. In sharp contrast to his notoriously well-paid predecessor JP Loonier, Whohe is by his own accounts an open, approachable and inspiring leader.
'Andrew's great strength is that he’s so dull, nobody listens to him closely enough to prevent him downsizing all types of people at all levels of the business until it’s too late,' says his personal PR consultant Clare Succarse, 'and to do it without compromising his own personality. After all, it’s easy to avoid compromising something you don’t have.'
A huge streamlining of the 'business platform' is now in full flow and the core R&D capability is being completely shipped to low-cost labour sources in China, India and other Far Eastern destinations. Already this year, thousands of UK and US R&D redundancies have been announced. Globally, the figure is likely to run into thousands more.
Whohe denies that the current wave of downsizing is to compensate for the market loss of Abadidea (Gariglitazone), Phoni's controversial diabetes treatment and its only blockbuster candidate that hasn’t been a result of hostile takeovers in the past fifteen years.
”In fact, we don’t mention it at all – and you’d better shut up about it if you want to keep hold of our advertising revenue,“ Whohe reminds us, talking a few hours after giving his presentation. “Instead, it's now just a question of continuing to con the shareholders. Despite halving our stock price in the past few years, shareholders still think we’re acting in their interests, rather than our own. What you're seeing now is an almost entirely new generation of CEOs who totally focused on making money solely for themselves, and they are all pushing hard on strategy. Over the next five years, we'll see the Western pharmaceutical industry totally asset-stripped and the emergence of a new plutocracy. “
At 45, Whohe himself is in the vanguard of that new generation, and his progress up the greasy pole has been as rapid and ruthless as you would expect from a man who beats himself senseless with birch twigs for relaxation. With an economics degree from Nottingham and the mandatory MBA under his belt, he toyed with being a Eurocrat but ended up as a management trainee at Phoni Pharmaceuticals in 1985.
Whoever gave him that first break has long since regretted it - the subsequent two and a half decades have taken him all over the world, shutting down and asset-stripping businesses in Europe, the UK and US on both the operational and marketing sides. He knows the firm and its people inside out, and he has a politician's knack for promising one thing and doing another. 'One of the big things is that people don't always tell you everything,' he says. ‘but that doesn’t matter because I never listen anyway. Shut it down and ship it out, that’s my motto…'
He's worked hard to break up Phoni UK's old-fashioned research culture in no-nonsense style. Out have gone thousands of scientists and technicians at Phoni’s Nether Wallop research centre. China is now where Whohe thinks they belong, sharing open-plan sweatshops with the troops in the backstreet business units. “R&D is all very well, but only where it’s cheap,″ he says. “Otherwise, we’ll just buy our new products in.”
At the heart of his master plan for the firm lies the destruction of research and development - the fount of innovation for any pharma business. Phoni UK's 14,000-strong R&D function has already been broken up. It's a commercial approach that aims to accelerate the alarming decline in R&D productivity seen elsewhere in the industry.
The return on research investment is estimated by McKinsey to have fallen as low as 7% across the board. “Firing the standard 10.000% of R&D staff every year, just like McKinsey’s have been telling us to do for the past ten years, clearly hasn’t worked,” says Whohe. “So in the face of logic and past outcomes, we’re going to fire even more scientists in the expectation of improving R&D productivity. This industry grew great by innovating to improve health and we need to get back to that. Firing UK scientists in favour of cheap labour abroad is bound to achieve that, isn’t it?″
'I'm not changing our stance to get headlines,' he says. 'I'm doing it to make as much money for myself and my fellow directors as possible. I want to create a firm that has a monopoly on treatments for Third World diseases and thereby make profits people can be proud of.'
Big Pharma is in big trouble. Superficially, the world's largest drug companies seem in good shape - profitability remains buoyant, and they have certainly ridden out the recession in fine style by comparison with those engaged in more volatile industries. After all, people get sick and need treatment, with scant regard for the phases of the business cycle. But beneath this healthy-looking exterior, a malignancy has been spreading through Big Pharma's body corporate.
As chief executive of the UK arm of the world’s largest imaginary pharmaceutical company, Phoni UK, Andrew Whohe knows all about malignancy. And, despite the headaches of command, he seems to be enjoying it. This morning, tanned and smiling, he has swapped dull Nether Wallop (where Phoni UK is based), for the upscale surroundings of midtown New York, to announce Phoni UK's latest efforts in the high-profile, PR-friendly battle to outsource the entire Western pharmaceutical industry to Asia.
He knows how to lead by example. In sharp contrast to his notoriously well-paid predecessor JP Loonier, Whohe is by his own accounts an open, approachable and inspiring leader.
'Andrew's great strength is that he’s so dull, nobody listens to him closely enough to prevent him downsizing all types of people at all levels of the business until it’s too late,' says his personal PR consultant Clare Succarse, 'and to do it without compromising his own personality. After all, it’s easy to avoid compromising something you don’t have.'
A huge streamlining of the 'business platform' is now in full flow and the core R&D capability is being completely shipped to low-cost labour sources in China, India and other Far Eastern destinations. Already this year, thousands of UK and US R&D redundancies have been announced. Globally, the figure is likely to run into thousands more.
Whohe denies that the current wave of downsizing is to compensate for the market loss of Abadidea (Gariglitazone), Phoni's controversial diabetes treatment and its only blockbuster candidate that hasn’t been a result of hostile takeovers in the past fifteen years.
”In fact, we don’t mention it at all – and you’d better shut up about it if you want to keep hold of our advertising revenue,“ Whohe reminds us, talking a few hours after giving his presentation. “Instead, it's now just a question of continuing to con the shareholders. Despite halving our stock price in the past few years, shareholders still think we’re acting in their interests, rather than our own. What you're seeing now is an almost entirely new generation of CEOs who totally focused on making money solely for themselves, and they are all pushing hard on strategy. Over the next five years, we'll see the Western pharmaceutical industry totally asset-stripped and the emergence of a new plutocracy. “
At 45, Whohe himself is in the vanguard of that new generation, and his progress up the greasy pole has been as rapid and ruthless as you would expect from a man who beats himself senseless with birch twigs for relaxation. With an economics degree from Nottingham and the mandatory MBA under his belt, he toyed with being a Eurocrat but ended up as a management trainee at Phoni Pharmaceuticals in 1985.
Whoever gave him that first break has long since regretted it - the subsequent two and a half decades have taken him all over the world, shutting down and asset-stripping businesses in Europe, the UK and US on both the operational and marketing sides. He knows the firm and its people inside out, and he has a politician's knack for promising one thing and doing another. 'One of the big things is that people don't always tell you everything,' he says. ‘but that doesn’t matter because I never listen anyway. Shut it down and ship it out, that’s my motto…'
He's worked hard to break up Phoni UK's old-fashioned research culture in no-nonsense style. Out have gone thousands of scientists and technicians at Phoni’s Nether Wallop research centre. China is now where Whohe thinks they belong, sharing open-plan sweatshops with the troops in the backstreet business units. “R&D is all very well, but only where it’s cheap,″ he says. “Otherwise, we’ll just buy our new products in.”
At the heart of his master plan for the firm lies the destruction of research and development - the fount of innovation for any pharma business. Phoni UK's 14,000-strong R&D function has already been broken up. It's a commercial approach that aims to accelerate the alarming decline in R&D productivity seen elsewhere in the industry.
The return on research investment is estimated by McKinsey to have fallen as low as 7% across the board. “Firing the standard 10.000% of R&D staff every year, just like McKinsey’s have been telling us to do for the past ten years, clearly hasn’t worked,” says Whohe. “So in the face of logic and past outcomes, we’re going to fire even more scientists in the expectation of improving R&D productivity. This industry grew great by innovating to improve health and we need to get back to that. Firing UK scientists in favour of cheap labour abroad is bound to achieve that, isn’t it?″
'I'm not changing our stance to get headlines,' he says. 'I'm doing it to make as much money for myself and my fellow directors as possible. I want to create a firm that has a monopoly on treatments for Third World diseases and thereby make profits people can be proud of.'
Phoni Pharm Boss Backs 10:23 Campaign
Phoni Pharmaceutical’s CEO Johnny B. Sinister today announced that his company “fully supported” the 10:23 campaign publicising the “pseudo-science” behind the increasingly popular healthcare fad of homeopathy.
The 10:23 campaign, organised by the UK’s Merseyside Sceptics, is intended to raise awareness about the “reality of homeopathy, how it can be proven not to work and why homeopaths' claims are impossible”.
“Homeopathy is an insult to the science of human healthcare and to the modern pharmaceutical industry as a whole,” said Mr. Sinister in a press conference earlier today.
“It is inflicting expensive products with no clinical benefits whatsoever on to a gullible and unsuspecting public, whilst at the same time making ludicrous and unsupportable claims for efficacy and safety,” he continued.
“Such quackery is leading to a dangerous situation where the public is being conned into taking completely ineffective medicines, instead of treatments with tried and trusted benefits. And what’s worse, we are now seeing a trend where those who speak out about this quackery are being silenced by threat of prosecution under the ludicrous UK libel laws.”
“Practitioners of homeopathy are either amateur scam artists or are hopelessly misguided,” Mr. Sinister said.
“The pushing of expensive, useless and possibly harmful products on the back of dodgy science should be left to professional pharmaceutical companies such as Phoni, and not to a bunch of johnny-come–lately amateurs like homeopaths,” he observed.
“We really don’t care for the idea of homeopaths muscling in on our market for quack medicines and then using legal scare tactics to frighten off critics”, said the Phoni CEO.
“That’s our job, and so we’re only too happy to support any campaign that looks to discredit the competition…”
The 10:23 campaign, organised by the UK’s Merseyside Sceptics, is intended to raise awareness about the “reality of homeopathy, how it can be proven not to work and why homeopaths' claims are impossible”.
“Homeopathy is an insult to the science of human healthcare and to the modern pharmaceutical industry as a whole,” said Mr. Sinister in a press conference earlier today.
“It is inflicting expensive products with no clinical benefits whatsoever on to a gullible and unsuspecting public, whilst at the same time making ludicrous and unsupportable claims for efficacy and safety,” he continued.
“Such quackery is leading to a dangerous situation where the public is being conned into taking completely ineffective medicines, instead of treatments with tried and trusted benefits. And what’s worse, we are now seeing a trend where those who speak out about this quackery are being silenced by threat of prosecution under the ludicrous UK libel laws.”
“Practitioners of homeopathy are either amateur scam artists or are hopelessly misguided,” Mr. Sinister said.
“The pushing of expensive, useless and possibly harmful products on the back of dodgy science should be left to professional pharmaceutical companies such as Phoni, and not to a bunch of johnny-come–lately amateurs like homeopaths,” he observed.
“We really don’t care for the idea of homeopaths muscling in on our market for quack medicines and then using legal scare tactics to frighten off critics”, said the Phoni CEO.
“That’s our job, and so we’re only too happy to support any campaign that looks to discredit the competition…”
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